[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Put a ring on it
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Probably my best painting.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.