Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.