Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space