My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Florida man
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”