*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)