CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
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Close call…
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.