Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
You Might Also Like
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’