You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
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Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Trumpy Cat
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*