Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable