*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.