I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.