“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
me after eating Cheetos
japanese corn
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*