My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go