[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months