Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
This is sending me to another galaxy
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying