Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*