The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’ve had relationships like this
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Only Americans understand
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb