How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
<—- homeless romantic
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters