Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.