Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!