Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
💯😂
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
this post was so formative to me
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.