Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
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Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.