Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
secret recipe
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor