my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I already tried new things thanks.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I hate when that happens.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.