GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.