I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
what’s the point then??
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.