I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
You Might Also Like
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I have a new favorite meme page
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
New favorite tiktok
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.