ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The future is now.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Don’t tell me what to do
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…