Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
#winning
This might be me.
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead