I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car