Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
SF is the wild wild west man
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.