Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
ME (calling my horse with no name):
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.