My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.