DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?