me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.