Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me