ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”