Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.