Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
So glad we cleared that up
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive