The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard