If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
respect
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?