“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Order here:
More here:
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.