If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
They got a point!
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct