My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.