My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
You Might Also Like
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.