Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
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My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
then why did i get this email
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.