[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.