Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!