[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.