“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word